Something I’m noticing is that in my ambitious pursuit of realizing my vision (that encouraged pursuit that spirited women engage in) I can miss it. I can miss the thing that I’m seeking to create. It’s elusive. It’s partly that I’m an idealist (and this is the nature of idealism – to pursue the idea – the “not yet”). And it’s partly that I’m so busy doggedly pursuing it that it evades my reach. It disconnects from my heart and my day-to-day life— the place it most needs to radiate from.
For me, I know my faith in myself has wavered when I am struggling to connect with silence. When I am spending a lot of time and energy advocating for (instead of spending time in) silence – it’s a symptom of imbalance. Because I feel intensely “off,” ungrounded, ill at ease without it. Because it’s the way that I get clear. It’s how I know that I’m there. I find my power in silence.
***Often though, when given the option, I distract myself instead of finding myself in silence.
My coaching training uses, amongst other things, the Enneagram personality type system. The Enneagram “at its core… helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level and can be of invaluable assistance on our path to self-knowledge” (Enneagram Institute). My type (Type 6) is the one that most struggles to connect with its inner voice. Its own truth and guidance. So, of course, I spend a lot of time trying to do that. Slowly, I’ve built the muscle and that’s gotten easier. But what’s easiest for me?
Each Type also has its gifts: strengths that are the light of our struggles. And a strength of the Type 6? Being the glue in groups. “Being the rhythm that lets tropical fish move in sync” as one of my teachers explained it. Social structures allow me to focus on connecting with my truth (when they are focused on doing that)- so that the external is framed around the internal. So I have no other place to go but in. Because I’m a Type 6 and I’m wired to bounce off others, but also because I am a product of social conditioning like we all are, and women are oriented for relational learning (call it nature or nurture – it seems to be the trend).
Otherwise, I locate myself external to myself. Find myself reacting to what’s happening around me out of fear of not knowing what might happen if I acted on faith – missing my own truth and wisdom.
And, to a certain extent, this is true for all of us. We all get caught up in different currents in life, and those currents can move us toward or away from our purpose.
The Type 4, in contrast, might be good at connecting with their intuition and emotions, however is uncertain of their self-image and how they are to belong – ultimately- in the world.
John O’Donohue writes: “Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.”
– But how do we access our oblique side?
– And, if we do, how do we let this be the compass for our lives, the foundation of our action in the world?
– To have uncomfortable conversations and take new, uncomfortable positions?
– To stretch into new capacities we haven’t inhabited before?
***What is moving you as you enter into Fall: Your busy thoughts or your conscious self? How do you access yourself???
There is an essential self inside of me. What is happening inside my heart and soul matters and it tells me what to do next. I want nothing more than to be a *grace soaked grounded soul in any room I walk into* (Shauna Niequist). However, more easily said than done for my personality type. So it takes Resolve. Community. And, Self-Awareness to let me into myself. To Know where I’m at in space and time beneath the surface of things and to move through life from a place of conscious choice.
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